


Self Portrait

by ceria



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: blindfold_spn, Cutting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Schmoop, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-11
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-30 22:37:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceria/pseuds/ceria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://blindfold-spn.livejournal.com/7359.html?thread=7764159"> this prompt</a> at blindfold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Portrait

The underside of his left arm represented school. Except that school was finished now. Maybe he could add career to the history of school. Technically it was a natural progression. God - tomorrow was the first day of his new life. Which meant an addition the calf of his right leg. Grinning, he took another drink of beer as he considered. So many possibilities could open up beginning tomorrow. Spinning on the chair, Jensen looked around his apartment once again. He still couldn't get over the idea he was on his own for the first time in ever. No more college roommates. No more changing in tiny closets or bathrooms. Fuck, he could wear shorts at home. Not that he owned any. 

For the first time ever, he could actually add two memories to his body at the same time. He'd been so careful for so long due to the families he lived with and then the roommates. So yeah, this might be a good time to experiment with two memories at once. He pulled out the switchblade and made sure to sanitize it. Both cuts with the same knife worked. He left some space between the memory of finishing college and being too excited that tomorrow he'd start his first post-school job. 

The brown leather sofa was soft, broken in. It would be easy to clean. He spread out on it – the whole thing was all his with no one to crowd him in a corner or onto the floor – and held his arm up, watching the blood drip down, following the curve of his elbow toward his armpit. It was pretty awesome. A beer in his right hand, he hummed softly and stored the memory. He pressed the gauze to the cut and held it there until the bleeding stopped. Huh, the band aid box was half empty. He'd have to go across town tomorrow to buy some more. 

Dinner, then the second memory.

^~^

Over the past two weeks at least ten people had shuffled by the window on their way upstairs to interview with Hank. Amazingly, three of them were women, especially considering how the last accountant had abandoned her job. Jared leaned against the open door and accepted the cup of coffee Hank handed him. 

"So you found someone, did you?"

"Little whip of a kid…" Hank glanced over his shoulder before continuing. "Midsummer and he still wore long sleeves to work. Said he liked how cool the office was."

Jared snorted. "Maybe he's hiding some ink too," and grabbed the cuff of Hank's shirt and pretended to peak beneath it. "Does he know you're faking the whole respectable thing?"

"Don't think so." Hank glanced around again. "Listen, my impression is that he's pretty shy. I know you work out of the front. Can you… keep an eye on him when he leaves in the evening? I don't want him scared by the crowd this place brings in." Even Jared had to admit they weren't in an extremely safe location – and the shop did bring in all sorts.

"Well, he won't get knocked up by any of the boys," Jared said with a drawl, referring to the various tattoo customers.

"Damn Krissy," Hank said, spitting. "She picked the only biker 'round here with a conscious."

"I'll miss her too," Jared said, patting Hank's shoulder. The squeaky door pushed open and Hank smiled as the young man stepped inside. Or maybe not so young – at second glance he seemed around Jared's age. He wore a pretty shade of green, long sleeved like Hank's, and gray trousers. Perfectly respectable and probably just-as-fuck boring. He took one look at Jared's bare, colorful arms and hesitated. He started to shift to the left, as if he wanted to get as close to the wall as possible to avoid Jared, and then stopped. Straightening his shoulders he moved forward, taking Hank's outstretched hand. Brittle was the only word Jared could think to apply to the new accountant.

"Good morning, Jensen. This here is Jared, he works there," Hank pointed through the open door in which Jared stood and Jensen frowned. The thing was, the first day of work was always the time one had to make a good impression. Normally Jared wouldn't waste his time on someone who obviously had already decided Jared must be not worthwhile due to all his tats.

"Jensen is it?" Jared asked, smiling widely at him, holding out his hand. Might as well have some fun. Jensen hesitated, glanced at Hank and then nodded his head briefly, once, as if coming to a decision. The stall wasn't totally obvious; Jensen took his hand and only then did Jared step closer, hovering a little more than necessary, using his height. It was a dick move in all honesty but he was curious. "Nice to meet the neighbors and all."

He cringed and yep, brittle was a good word to describe him. Fuck, one wrong word and Jared just might see a real life Humpty-Dumpty. Oh joy. Then Jensen met his gaze and Jared just might, _maybe_ have to reevaluate his assumption. Jensen didn't look frightened, but cornered. Sighing, Jared let go of him and hunched back in on himself, shoving hands in his pockets, falling back to the doorway of the tattoo shop. 

"If you need anything around town," Hank said, apparently oblivious, "ask Jared. He's lived here a few years now and knows every cheap dive and diner. And he's the politest of the bastards who work in there."

Jensen tore his gaze away from Jared – as if looking away might let him move without Jensen being aware – and nodded to Hank. "Sure," Jensen said. "No problem." 

That… was an interesting voice for someone as scrawny as Jensen. Jared wouldn't mind hearing him talk some more. All the time even. Jensen shifted the backpack on his other shoulder and glanced at the stairs, then back to Hank.

"To work!" Hank said, waving bye to Jared and turning to walk up the stairs. Jensen didn't acknowledge him at all. But Jared had bookwork to complete for the owner and an inventory order to place before the scheduled appointments began rolling in. He got most of it done before the phone started ringing two hours later.

"Jay!" Hank said. "Everyone brought their lunch but me. Are you eating today?"

"Is the sun up?" Jared asked.

"Let me know how much I owe you," Hank said and hung up the phone. Dana would arrive when the shop officially opened at noon and he'd be free to run for lunch then. Typically Hank came downstairs to flirt with the part-time receptionist and part-time piercer. So maybe Jensen wasn't the only one trying to make an impression if Hank wanted to stay upstairs.

^~^

One day blended into the next and Jared stopped paying attention until he noticed that Jensen no longer cringed when he walked by him. Jared watched him, sipping at the hot coffee Hank handed him, and noticed that his sleeves was just a little tighter, caressing muscles that Jared didn't remember seeing before.

"You been working out Ackles?" Jensen replied yes with only a smirk. Jared was getting very good at reasoning out Jensen's many facial expressions. 

"Was that a yes?" Hank asked after Jensen went upstairs. "He doesn't look any different."

"A yes and a 'took you long enough to notice, idiot.'" Jared said.

"You got all that from one smirk?" 

Jared nodded. It wasn't like Jensen really talked. He still seemed skittish and Jared had mostly given up on ever getting a real conversation out of him. Sometimes Hank would choose something for his staff for lunch and Jared, as always, would pick it up and take it upstairs to eat with them. Then, with the receptionist and other three accountants present, Jensen would actually talk in complete sentences. Mostly to the other number pushers but Jared was friendly and liked Hank's other employees. Besides, it was the beginning of the year and Hank's crew was fucking busy. 

Jared's work would begin to pick up after the tax rebates arrived. He already had a few perspectives come in and request some artwork made up, getting prices and hopefully making plans to save some of their rebate for tattoos.

^~^

It was hard to believe the number of idiots who thought it was a good idea to waste their return money on tattoos. Okay, maybe one or two of them were doing it as a present to themselves but too many of them? If Jensen had to hear, 'Dude, I need to spend this before the wife finds out!' or 'I'm caught up on my credit card payments. I deserve a tat!' he just might vomit.

Working for stupid people hadn't been in the plan. He _liked_ numbers and was completely fascinated about how they worked. 

The first week of work, Jensen had suspected something weird about Hank. The man refused to even push his shirtsleeves up. If he got warm, the air was cranked and the girls would end up putting on sweaters. From the beginning it was obvious Hank had been hiding something beneath the shirt but what? Was he scarred – or burned? It would have been awesome to have someone present who might not think Jensen a freak for his memories. 

But no. He was just trying to be professional and hiding his tattoos. They'd been working late one night and Hank had finally groaned and said he couldn't take it any longer. Would Jensen mind?

"Er, no?"

And Hank had shed his pinstriped shirt to reveal slightly saggy biceps and several half dressed women and mermaids covering his skin. Jensen was never prouder of himself for remembering that this was his fucking boss and tact was important. 

"You and Padalecki plan you tattoos together or what?"

"Jared?" Hank had asked. "Nah. He's got a whole ocean theme going on his left arm. I've just got pretty, naked women."

"Are those all your notches then?"

Hank, sputtering with laughter, had only nodded; "The long-term ones, yeah." As if he was proud. Jesus Christ. It was like a billboard of bad sex. 'Wanna see my conquests? Wanna guess where I'll add you?' Maybe that line worked better for him than suggesting where he could put his dick. 

Jensen took a deep breath and pushed the pizza away that Jared – of course – had dropped off half an hour ago. No more food tonight.

"What you got against him anyway?" Hank asked, taking the last piece of pizza.

"Who?" But Jensen already knew. Hank had been throwing speculative glances between them every day during lunch. Jensen would talk to the other accountants but tried to avoid conversation with Jared as much as possible.

It was obvious that Hank and Padalecki were close. Hank spent too much time carrying on about how Jared reminded him of his son. Even the fact that Jared was gay didn't bother him. The thing was, Jared would have been attractive if he didn't look the way he did. "Truthfully?" Jensen asked. Hank nodded and Jensen held his gaze as he lied. "He reminds me of my ex. I just can't get past that yet." Not a complete lie but Hank wouldn't appreciate the truth. Jared scared the fuck out of him and Padalecki was _friendly_. If Jensen admitted to that then the damn fool would probably try and make things better with multiple hugs. 

That wasn't happening. Because friendly meant letting people in beyond acquaintances. It meant emotional involvement and that would lead to… Jensen knew better than to expect someone to accept his memories. Someone else would see his skin as ugly – just like Shane had. Jensen wasn't going to repeat that. Ever. If Padalecki wasn't so damn good looking then maybe Jensen could ignore him better. Which meant the people showing up there to get their taxes done and talking about the tattoo shop downstairs wouldn't bother him either. Except that the stupid comments made him think about Jared again. 

"It's late, Jensen. If you want to leave, go ahead."

A glance at the clock meant it was almost eight – the time that Jared usually left work. Yeah, Jensen would be better off waiting just a little longer so he wouldn't run into him. 

"I don't mind sticking around 'till you're done." He knew his fear was irrational. Just because someone had a tattoo, or twenty, didn't mean they were going to try and hurt him. Hell, look at Hank. His arm was covered with them and he wouldn't hurt a fly. For real. Jensen had had to kill the spider in the break room last week.

Nah, he could wait until Hank left and he wouldn't have to walk to the bus alone. 

^~^

Going upstairs when he needed a break had nothing to do with the Ackles. It didn't. Jared didn't like to purposely irritate him to see him scrunch up his forehead or watch his eyes flash a brighter green. It was just that studying was boring sometimes. And the people who came into the shop… well, Jared couldn't say that about everyone because it wasn't Natalie's fault the shop was in a slightly rundown area of town. The rent was cheaper here and when she'd first opened the place she hadn't had much revenue. But they did have some trouble, on occasion, with people wanting more tattoos then they could afford. Thank fuck Jared was a huge man. He understood intimidation. He didn't like fighting but could he glare.

Besides, Natalie? That tiny slip of a woman was a crack shot. Only once had someone pissed her off enough to make her whip out a bull's-eye target with ten shots in the dead center. "That?" she'd told the idiot who'd thought that petite meant weak, "was done at fifty feet. Guess what I could do to your balls at two. Now get the hell out."

Jared had bought her lunch that day. 

This morning was a bright blue pinstriped shirt. The bold white stripes emphasized how thin Jensen was, and just how _tall_ he was. That was something easy to forget. Jared looked him over once. He hadn't seen that shirt before but knew better than to comment on it. Hank was sitting on the bottom step, standing up to give Jensen room to get around him. "Good morning, sunshine," Jared said, just to force Jensen to acknowledge him in front of his boss. He held out the extra cup of coffee. 

Jensen narrowed his eyes like he always did when Jared did this but didn't refuse it. "Thanks," he mumbled, taking the cup but not stopping to chat. It had only taken a few days for Jared to figure out that Jensen didn't like to spend money on useless things and he must consider gourmet coffee too expensive. Though it never stopped him from sniffing when he entered the building on Fridays – the only morning Jared had time to stop at the specialty shop between the end of class and the start of work.

Jared let it go and turned to Hank. "Natalie needs her taxes double-checked, will you have time later?" 

Hank nodded in agreement, "I suppose you have them with you, right?"

"Of course."

^~^

The day ended up being something of a clusterfuck. They had walk-ins and cancelled appointments and two different people had cried because their refund was not what they expected. And he hadn't brought lunch today and no one mentioned bringing anything in. Jensen really wanted something to eat.

He hovered in the open door of Hank's office. "What's on your mind, Jensen?"

"Are we planning anything for lunch today?"

"Oh shit. No. Jared called and his schedule got messed up too, then their receptionist didn't show."

"Do you want me to go pick something up? I've got twenty minutes."

Hank grinned and nodded enthusiastically then threw a credit card at him. "Grab some pizza, enough for all of us, okay?"

Jensen called the order in and when asked the girl taking the order if he was done, hesitated. "Add another medium," Jensen said. Hank wouldn't mind buying Jared lunch.

He walked to the store and picked up the food, paying with Hank's card. On the way back he could see Jared at his stool in front of the window, working on some whisp of a girl, her shirt pushed up and the top of her jeans undone, Jared's gloved hands all over her. Sure he wore gloves and was working, but Jensen couldn't help but gape at those large hands touching all that bare skin. 

She winked at Jensen when she saw him pause.

A man was waiting in the shop's lobby, cracking his knuckles and flipping through a huge book of sketches. 

"I'll be out in a minute," Jared yelled as the bell rang for Jensen.

"I’m putting your lunch in the back," he yelled back, walking through to one of the empty rooms. Seconds later Jared stood in the door of his room and watched Jensen come back down the hall. "You brought me pizza."

"Hank said you were busy and working alone."

"Thanks," Jared said, grinning wide. Jensen blinked at him and kinda just stopped thinking for a second. He didn't reply, just quickly took the rest of the food upstairs. He had more people to feed and a credit card to return, after all.

The day didn't get any better. "You don't pay for that coffee he brings me, do you?" Jensen finally asked Hank as he fought back the blush. He could have asked Jared but asking Hank seemed less dangerous.

"Nah. Your eyes light up every Friday morning when you smell it. Jared's just a good guy."

And that's what Jensen had thought. He'd stopped by on his way home the other day and about died at the price of one cup. No one should be bringing him coffee that expensive. He really needed to find a way to pay him back. "I could help with their taxes, if you're too busy."

"Who? Nat and Jare?" Hank looked at his planner one more time and nodded. "I don't think I'll have any free time until Sunday and Nat's not a very patient woman. That would be great."

He knew it was an idiotic idea but Jared… he just seemed to press harder when Jensen didn't respond to him. So maybe he should just stop avoiding him and then Jared would get bored and leave him alone. 

He wasn't sure what else to try.

^~^

Expectations were something impossible to live up to. When Jared had appeared upstairs after work only to see Hank wave him into Jensen's office… well, he was definitely surprised. "Hank's crazy busy," Jensen said, pointing to a chair. "I said I could do it for him."

"Thanks," Jared said, dropping Natalie's paperwork onto the desk. "Did he send you last year's forms?"

Jensen nodded his head toward the screen. "Yep. We're ready to go. Once this is done you'll only need to get her…"

He went silent, glancing between Jared and the computer. "What?"

"I didn't realize she was your wife," Jensen said and Jared snorted with laughter.

"Try sister."

"Oh," Jensen said, blushing.

"I figured you knew I was gay, Jensen."

But Jensen refused to look back up and busied himself with the paperwork on the desk. Sighing, Jared leaned back and pulled a book from his backpack to read. No use trying when Jensen so obviously refused.

He set the book down when Jensen was done and printing up the forms for Natalie to sign. "Where's your stuff?" Jensen finally asked after putting all of Natalie's paperwork into an envelope for him.

"I'm good," Jared said. It was late and Jensen was already rubbing his eyes and it was enough to get Natalie's done. Hank could look at his stuff later.

"You could consider it payback," Jensen mumbled without looking up.

"For what?"

"The coffee you keep buying me," he glanced up. If anyone else looked at Jared like that then Jared would assume they were hitting on him. He didn't make that mistake with Jensen but still…

"I suppose a date is out of the question." Jensen only frowned at that comment and Jared grinned at him. "Seriously. I'd rather take you out on a date."

"Which means you would spend more money on me. The idea is I do your taxes for free to cover the money you already spent on me. Not make you spend more."

"If you're not interested, Jensen, just say so, okay?" He leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees. Jensen glanced at the width of his shoulders and cleared his throat. 

"I'm not interested," he said, meeting Jared's gaze.

Well then. Couldn't be clearer than that. Jared smiled at him and nodded, gathering his things to leave. "Thanks for doing Nat's taxes."

"What about you?"

"Hank will take care of it on Sunday."

^~^

The only thing that didn't change the following week was Friday morning coffee. Jensen hadn't realized how much _time_ Jared had spent drawing him into their daily conversations until he stopped. Jensen wasn't bothered by it though. He didn't want to date. This was his choice. So he still talked to the other accountants during their lunches. Just, not to Jared. He didn't miss the 'good morning, sunshine' comments or the flirty looks or Jared's comments about his clothing, new or old. Jensen continued to use his home gym and gain muscle mass but Jared never commented on that either. 

It was okay. Truly.

It was lunchtime on a Wednesday before Jensen broke down and asked Hank why their receptionist was picking up lunch and not Jared. "Twofold: it's his spring break and Natalie is home from the hospital. He's staying with her this week to help out."

"What happened?" Jensen asked, totally ignoring the comment about spring break. How did he not know Jared was in school?

"Her baby?" Hank said, as if Jensen was particularly slow.

"She was pregnant?" he asked. It would explain why he'd never seen her.

"Yeah, been on bed rest for the last three months. Sorry, I assumed you knew that. Maybe Jared never mentioned it over lunch. That's weird."

He'd learned two new things about Jared that day – both from one conversation with Hank. Jensen returned to his office and ran fingers across the memories on his arms. It was time for a new one. Tax season, his first one, was almost over. He'd made it through, still had his job, had a good boss, had met some decent acquaintances at work, and was still living on his own. 

They were all good things to commemorate. He finally felt like a functioning adult. Something Shane had once said he would never accomplish. 

^~^

Jared returned to work the Monday following tax day and arrived with three coffees from the gourmet shop. So what if it wasn't Friday. Hank would enjoy the celebration and it didn't feel right to not bring a third one. 

Hank sat on the stairs as always, flipping through pictures on Jared's camera while Jared talked about the baby. "I can hold her in one hand, man," he said as the door opened. Unable to hide his grin at the miracle Natalie had created, Jared didn't even glance up, only held out Jensen's coffee. Who didn't take it. Jared looked over at him to find Jensen standing near the door, an unfamiliar expression on his face as he stared at Jared.

"Hi," Jared said, pushing off the doorframe to take the coffee to Jensen, who took it, a small, strange smile on his face.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

He glanced at the camera, then at Jared again but didn't say anything. Jared just smiled and turned back to Hank, letting it go because that was what Jensen wanted. Hank stood up to let Jensen pass him as he continued to look at the pictures. It wasn't until Jensen was upstairs that Jared wondered if he was curious about Jared's new niece.

^~^

Natalie's shop was small but usually always busy. A week's vacation for any of the tattoo artists meant work was crazy the week someone was gone and their first week back. Since it was the beginning of a new semester of school, Jared was willing to stay late to help catch up with the paperwork. Most of the lights were off and the shades were closed to keep people from tapping on the glass as they walked by. The first thump meant nothing to him; people tripped and fell against the building all the time. The second one though… Jared pulled aside one of the blinds to see three large men pushing someone against the glass window. 

Sighing, Jared grabbed the baseball bat behind the desk and walked outside. One man was turning toward Jared as the other two held someone in dress pants up against the wall, snarling at him. "What the hell…" then Jared saw who they were threatening. 

Jensen.

"Back the fuck off," Jared said, not even hesitating to swing the bat at the closest thug. As soon as one of the men let go of Jensen to turn toward Jared, Jensen attacked the last man clutching at him. Jared could hear the rip of material and Jensen snarling and punching. He grabbed Jensen as soon as the other one went down and pulled him into the building, locking the door. He immediately dialed 911 from the receptionist's phone and locked the shop door behind them. 

He gave them the information they needed and hung up, turning toward a bloody, swollen Jensen. "Are you okay?"

"I don't even know what they wanted," Jensen said, holding onto his left torn shirt sleeve, refusing to let it fall to the ground. Blood seeped through his shirt on his right bicep. 

"You're bleeding. Take your shirt off and let me see how bad it is."

"No," Jensen said immediately. 

"It's me or the cops when they arrive."

"No," Jensen whispered again, moving backwards, looking for an exit. "Not happening."

"You can't go out there yet," Jared said. "Nor can you leave. You'll need to talk to the cops first."

"I'll talk to them," Jensen said. "The bastards took my wallet and I'll need to report my cards stolen. But I need to stop the bleeding and get a different shirt to wear first."

Jared tugged on the ripped sleeve but Jensen shook his head, refusing to let it go, to bare any skin. "I can take care of it. Bathroom?"

Throwing up his hands, Jared pointed to the john. "Band aids are under the sink. Help yourself." Jensen closed, and locked, the door behind him. What the hell was he hiding anyway? Jared returned to his space and looked around, finding a college-logoed sweatshirt and carried it to the door. 

"Got something for you to put on," he said, hanging it on the doorknob. I can hear the sirens so hurry up, man."

^~^

They hadn't found his wallet outside by the time the cops arrived. Not that he'd expected the robbers to drop it but he could hope, at least. The thing was? His apartment key was in his wallet. And the keycard to get into the building. Fuck. It was too late to call the office and Jensen didn't actually know his neighbors. Which left no one to call for a place to stay tonight. By the time the cops finished, Jensen was pretty sure his face was bruised and swollen. The whole left side of his jaw hurt.

He'd told the cops what had been in his wallet and they advised him to call the credit card companies and the bank first thing in the morning, or to get online and report them stolen tonight. Not that he could get to his computer until he got a new key to his apartment. 

"You can come home with me," Jared said as the police were gathering their things. 

"What?"

"You can stay at my place tonight. Unless you have somewhere to go?"

Jensen fidgeted. He didn't have anywhere to go – the only people he knew in town were the ones he worked with every day.

"Come on, we can order dinner and pick it up on the way. You can pay me back later, all right?"

"Chinese?" Jensen asked softly.

"Sure," Jared said.

^~^

He waited until dinner was finished to ask. "Do you want something to wear to sleep?"

"Dress pants aren't all that comfortable," Jensen admitted, looking around the two-bedroom apartment. "You don't live far from me."

Jared left that alone. He was _restraining_ himself from flirting. "I've got shorts and sweats. It's pretty warm in here, want a pair of shorts?"

"Sweats work," Jensen said. "Can I keep your sweatshirt for now?"

The answer didn't surprise Jared. Whatever Jensen was hiding beneath his clothing wouldn't be discovered that simply.

"You done bleeding?"

"What?" Jensen asked, eyes wide, expression startled.

"You were bleeding from the attack. You didn't want the cops to know. Did it stop?"

"I'll check when I change," Jensen said and Jared rolled his eyes as he walked to the bedroom. He had a small first-aid kit and he threw it on top of the t-shirt (long sleeved because he was awesome) and sweats and carried them out to Jensen. 

"Why do you have a guest room?" Jensen asked, taking the things with a nod of thanks and closing the door to the bathroom. Jared figured that if he asked, he could listen through the door. He wasn't trying to get Jensen to open it quicker. Really.

"My family is in and out of town to visit Nat and me. This way we have room for them." He also had several friends visit randomly but Jared didn’t share that information. 

"Do you have a large family?" Jared had no idea what started this barrage of questions but he wasn't going to ask. As soon as he opened his mouth to answer, he heard, "Fuck."

"What's wrong?"

"I think this is cut is deeper than it looked. I bled on your sweatshirt. I'm sorry, man."

"Let me look at it, Jen."

"No. I can fix it."

"You might need to go to the doctor."

"It's fine." But Jensen fell silent and didn't respond. He'd been hit kinda hard and Jared worried. Sighing, he left to get a bag of frozen peas and the lock picks.

"Jensen?" he said softly but heard nothing. It would be irresponsible of him to leave Jensen alone. What if he had a concussion?

He picked the lock and heard scrambling as soon as he opened the door. Jensen glared at him, holding the sweatshirt in front of his bare chest, trying to hide behind it. "What?" he said, voice sharp and angry. He had the sweats on already, and Jared's shirt over one arm and his neck, bunched up near his right shoulder, above the bandages covering the slice.

"You didn't respond," Jared said, holding up the peas. "I was worried you passed out from blood loss or something." He motioned for Jensen to turn around but he only shook his head. "Here, I brought peas for your bruises."

"I'm fine. Let me get dressed and I'll be right out."

He could see the smears of blood when he glanced in the mirror. Without a shower, Jensen apparently couldn't clean it off his skin. Grabbing a rag, Jared wet it with warm water and a little soap and closed the door behind him. Jensen stepped backwards, almost falling into the shower. Jared ignored the shake of his head and manhandled Jensen, forcing him to turn around. He wiped off the blood and checked the bandage to make sure it was tight. Either Jensen was a prude or something else was wrong because that brittleness was back once more.

Then Jared saw the lines of scars along Jensen's arm.

^~^

He knew the moment Jared saw his memories. Jensen pulled out of his large, warm hands and spun so that his arm was partially blocked and quickly yanked Jared's shirt the rest of the way on. He glared at Jared, as if daring him to comment. 

"Jensen?" Jared asked, stepping back, finally giving him some breathing room. 

"The bleeding stopped, right? And you checked the bandage. We're good." Jared didn't say anything, just stared at him. "I'm kinda tired. I could sleep."

"I don't have the air mattress inflated. Is the sofa okay?" Jared asked. 

He nodded. Jared let him leave the bathroom and get settled on the sofa while Jared brought in a pillow and a couple blankets. 

"Can I turn the tv on?" Jensen said. He'd not been able to sleep in silence for a long time.

"You like movies?" Jared asked and Jensen nodded.

"How about this?" Jared asked, holding up a brainless action move and Jensen nodded again. So they were going to skip the whole 'Jensen is crazy' conversation then. Good. He wondered briefly if this was how couples acted when they started dating; when one of them didn't have to worry about the other suggesting help or looking horrified. Jared started the movie and came back to the sofa, pushing Jensen up a little bit.

"What you doing?" he asked.

"Making sure you don't have a concussion," Jared said, adjusting the pillow so that Jensen was actually resting on his lap. One hand carded through Jensen's short hair and the other held the bag of peas against the bruise. "Feel okay?"

He couldn't remember the last time anyone had tried to comfort him. "You don't have to stay out here," Jensen whispered.

"I want to," Jared said just as quietly and then the movie started and Jensen got lost in the bad dialogue. If he spent more time concentrating on the fingers in his hair, well, that was his business.

He woke to the smell of coffee and food. It took too many seconds to remember the mugging, Jared, spending the night on the sofa and falling asleep to the feel of soft lips pressed against his head. "Good morning, sunshine," Jared said as Jensen padded into the room. Then Jared pulled him to his chest and hugged him, kissing the crown of his head.

"What the hell?" Jensen asked, even though he didn't pull free of Jared's grip. But Jared just ignored him and pointed to a chair with a steaming cup of coffee. As Jensen fell into it, and the coffee, Jared set a plate of food in front of him then sat in the chair right next to Jensen. 

Nothing was said until breakfast was done. "Don't you have school in the morning?" Jensen asked.

"Yep, but I emailed my professor and told him my friend got robbed and was new in town and didn't have anyone else. So I'm getting the notes from Laurie later. Right now you are going to get online and report your cards as stolen. I suspect someone will be in your apartment office by then and we can see about getting you some new keys."

"Hank," Jensen said, remembering about his boss and Jared nodded once more. 

"I got his number. You want to call him?"

"Yeah," Jensen said. Jared had already finished his food and his coffee and stood up, leaning over to press another kiss to Jensen's cheek. Without a word he left Jensen alone to finish. It was seriously disconcerting the way he was acting. Maybe he hadn't seen the scars? No one could ignore it for that long, could they?

Jared walked him to the apartment office, stayed with him while the locksmith was called and new keys were made, bought him lunch and told Jensen he could take him out next week to balance it out.

The whole morning, Jared never mentioned the scars he'd seen. Though he touched Jensen almost constantly; a hand to his elbow, fingers along his shoulder. It stopped being unnerving too quickly.

"Okay," Jensen said.

"Okay, you'll go out with me?" Jared asked, surprise across his face.

"Yes," Jensen said. "I'll go on a date with you." It was terrifying but the moment he saw the smile on Jared's face, Jensen knew he'd made the right decision. He wanted to see that smile on Jared every day.

^~^

He could see Jensen's nervousness all day and it was heart wrenching. So Jared continued to touch him as often as possible and Jensen never once, after the first comment of the morning, said a word. Then, at the end of the day, when it was time to leave him, Jared watched Jensen's eyes dart around, as if still looking for the three men.

"You could stay at my apartment again," Jared said. "It was nice to have someone to cook breakfast for."

A blank face, a bitten lip and then Jensen looked at him, expression curious. "You sure?"

"Yep," Jared said. "Get some clothes and I'll wait right here." He sat on Jensen's recliner and waited. Unbelievably, Jensen did just that. He even let Jared take his hand and thread their fingers together as they walked.

"Another movie?" Jared asked and Jensen nodded. He'd seemed to have lost the ability to talk on their way back to Jared's. He kept stealing glances at their entwined hands, at Jared's profile. As if he couldn't believe any of it.

They watched the second part of the trilogy and when the credits started, Jensen was yawning.

"You know," Jared said, touching Jensen's forearm. "I know how uncomfortable my sofa is. You could come with me, sleep in my bed." Jensen shook his head but Jared continued to talk. "I promise no funny business. You can wrap up in a separate blanket, keep all your clothes on, whatever."

"Funny business?" Jensen scoffed and Jared nodded. Jensen didn't answer but by now, Jared could tell it didn't mean no. He threaded their hands together and pulled Jensen to his feet. 

When Jensen didn't barricade himself under a separate blanket, Jared considered it a total win. 

^~^

He woke to heat along his whole side and Jensen turned to get closer to it, squawking a little when arms tightened around him. He'd slept in Jared's bed – in Jared's arms. The blankets were bunched around his feet but Jensen didn't want to move to pull them up. Jared's hands caressed his back and held him close but Jared must have been awake enough to let Jensen wiggle free to piss. Toothpaste was on the counter. He could ignore it but what if… Jensen put some on his finger and scrubbed what he could, cupping his hands to rinse his mouth.

Jared waited for him to return, then took his own trip to the bathroom. It was too early for coffee; the clock said Jared didn't have to get up for another hour so Jensen climbed back into the bed, pulling the blankets up behind him. He left his whole left side bare and Jared grinned when he climbed back into the bed, pulling himself along Jensen's body until everything touched. Jared tucked one blanket around Jensen then rested his hand on it, caressing Jensen's body.

"Wha… what are you doing?"

"Saying good morning," Jared whispered, lips against Jensen's neck. He smelled like toothpaste and Jensen was fiercely glad of it. "Can I kiss you?" Jared whispered, licking Jensen's skin.

"Yes," he said, trembling.

"Thank God," Jared said; he kept the blanket between them as Jared half covered his body and wrapped one hand around Jensen's face to hold him still. They kissed until Jensen's jaw hurt and then Jared pushed his head back to lick Jensen's neck.

"I want to make you feel better," he said and Jensen tensed. Jared pulled back just a little and pressed his cock against Jensen's hip. He climbed on top of Jensen, falling between his spread legs and pushed his hips into Jensen. "Just like this."

He meant fully clothed with a blanket between them. Jensen whined because it felt good but he wanted more. Except he couldn't - wouldn't – ask for it. "Okay," he whispered.

Jensen clung to Jared's hands, fingers squeezing tight as he pushed up, meeting Jared's body. They continued to kiss, soft lips parting to let tongues tease and thrust. It had been so long since anyone had touched him like this. 

They rocked together quietly, tension building slowly until Jensen moaned and felt come on his skin beneath his clothes. Jared shuddered as he watched Jensen's face, then spilled over the edge of his shorts. He glanced down at the blanket and chuckled. "We made a mess."

Then the alarm beeped and Jared rolled off Jensen. "You have to get ready?" Jensen asked.

"Yeah. You can stay in bed if you like. I can wake you up before I leave for school."

"Okay," Jensen said. As soon as the shower started, Jensen rolled out of bed and grabbed a clean shirt and jeans from his bag. Wiping off with the clothes he was wearing wasn't ideal, but he wanted to change before Jared re-appeared. He could make Jared breakfast today. Just as soon as he got some coffee going.

^~^

He wasn't sure how to broach the subject with Jensen, or if he should. Jared saw the panic on his face two days ago when he thought the police might find out he was bleeding. He didn't want anyone to see the scars. Which meant child abuse or self-affliction. 

So, for now, all Jared could do was shower him with some affection and see where it went. Probably nowhere but he liked Jensen. It wouldn't hurt to test things out. 

He made it to class with only two minutes to spare. His thank you for Jensen making breakfast had been… enthusiastic. Jensen, apparently, really liked kissing. 

Jared unlocked the shop and Hank followed him inside. "Jensen all right then?"

"He's good," Jared said, grinning at Hank. "He stayed at my place and we took care of everything yesterday. He still needs his state ID replaced but I think the rest is covered."

"You two got along okay then?"

"Actually, yes." But Jared wasn't going to elaborate. It wasn't anyone business. Hank would see when Jensen arrived for the day. The only thing that varied was Jared sitting on the steps. Hank leaned against the wall until Jensen came through. Then boss Hank turned into mother hen and Jared had to bite his tongue to control his laughter as Hank clucked over Jensen's bruised face. 

Jensen only tolerated the touch for seconds before pulling away. He glanced at Jared, a small smile on his face, then at the stairs that Jared's lanky body blocked.

"Good morning, sunshine," Jared said, waiting to see what Jensen would do.

He stopped near Jared's feet, leaning forward just slightly to brush against Jared's knee. "You gonna let me pass?"

"Maybe," Jared said and Jensen rolled his eyes. 

"Move it, pain in my ass. I need to get to work."

Jared grinned and slid to the side. "I could be that, you know, if you like." Then he laughed as Jensen shook his head and blushed. He felt a brief touch to his shoulder as Jensen walked up the stairs. So yeah, a good morning.

^~^

Hank remained oblivious for the rest of the week. Jensen couldn't tell if his boss was ignoring the fact Jensen had started flirting back with Jared or if he truly had no idea. He'd gotten some speculative looks from the other accountants but Jensen didn't acknowledge their questions. It wasn't their god-damn business anyway. 

He was nervous about their date tonight and he didn't know why. He'd spent the last few nights at Jared's, had been woken to kisses and frottage and hugs more times than he could count. Jared had waked him again this morning and Jensen had told him to stop ruining the blankets, pushing it aside to feel Jared's body against him. He couldn't remove the clothes and Jared never asked him. And tonight was their first date. Stupid to be scared.

He took a deep breath and smoothed the front of his blue shirt as someone knocked on his door. Jared of course, though Jensen had to stare at him to take in the clothing. It was the first time he'd seen Jared in something other than jeans and a tee shirt. His too-long hair was brushed and slicked back instead of hanging in his face. The green shirt and black trousers – not jeans – made Jensen clear his throat. God, Jared was gorgeous.

"You ready, sunshine?"

"Yeah," Jensen said, pulling the door shut behind him, not allowing them to enter his apartment.

 

"This is my favorite restaurant," Jared said, pulling open the door. "I don't come here very often but I hope you like it." 

"You bring all your first dates here?" Jensen asked, drinking the water she'd brought them.

"Nah," Jared said. "Usually not until the fourth or fifth."

"But this is our first?" Jensen had to ask.

"You're different," Jared said with a shrug, not even embarrassed. 

Jensen had no idea how to reply to that.

 

Dinner had been Jared's idea and the bar had been Jensen's. He hadn't been to one yet, unwilling to go alone and their musical tastes meshed enough to find something close by they both liked.

Jared brought back the beer and stood behind Jensen, barely brushing against him as the crowd moved around them. Jensen could feel each touch. He sung under his breath to the cover songs he knew and Jared would lean closer, listening to him.

"You sound pretty good," Jared mumbled and Jensen shrugged. The late night turned to early morning and the crowd, a little wilder and drunker, continued to push against them. 

"Can we go?" Jensen asked and Jared nodded. He took Jensen by the hand and pushed his way out, his height an easy way to work through the crowd. 

"You have fun?" Jared asked, dropping his hand and walking next to him.

"I did." Jensen hesitated and it was stupid. They'd spent so much time together. "Come back with me?" he asked, the words blurring from the alcohol and his nerves.

"Sure," Jared said.

Jensen still had some of Jared's clothes. He gave him the clean sweats and tee shirt and retreated to the bedroom to change. For the first time in years, Jensen looked at the short-sleeve shirt and shorts he wore when alone. He wanted to be able to wear them, to not be scared about Jared's reaction. Instead, he picked up an older shirt and sweats and put them on before wandering out.

And there Jared was - in the kitchen with a glass of water and no shirt. "Holy fuck," Jensen mumbled, taking in the tattoos he hadn't seen yet. Then Jared turned around and all Jensen could see was the silver reflecting off the overhead light on Jared's chest. 

"Water?" Jared asked and Jensen nodded, then shook his head. Drinking water wasn't going to make him feel better. He stepped closer, taking in everything he hadn't seen yet, fingers trailing down the pirate ship, the squid, the hint of mermaid's tail in the water, all the way to the compass on Jared's hand.

"I'm freaking you out, aren't I?" Jared asked, his voice teasing.

"Tell me about them," Jensen finally said, moving close enough to touch.

"That's a lot of stories," Jared said. "Pick one."

"Stories?"

Jared shrugged. "Most of them have some sort of meaning."

"Kinda like memories?" Jensen asked, curious.

"Exactly like memories," Jared said and Jensen grinned at him, surging forward to wrap his arms around Jared's neck, pulling him down to kiss him.

"I want to know all of them," he said. 

"How about," Jared whispered, "You pick one tonight, and then another tomorrow…"

He'd come once already and spread himself across Jensen's bed, Jensen curled up against his side, _licking_ Jared's nipple. "You keep that up and I'm going to want to return the favor in some way."

"What way?" Jensen asked, tugging on Jared's piercing with his teeth just to feel Jared shudder beneath him. 

"I want to blow you," Jared whispered and Jensen whimpered. "It would be easy," Jared said, dropping one hand to slide it down Jensen's side, fingers tickling as he moved. "All I need to do is push your sweats down just a little, just enough to release your cock. You want my mouth on your cock, Jen?"

"Yes," he whispered. 

"Can I then?" Jared asked and Jensen nodded, rolling onto his back, eyes dark.

He wasn't fully hard and his skin was sticky with dried come but Jared ignored all of that. He took Jensen in his mouth and let Jensen push his hips deeper, let Jensen move as he wanted. 

"I can take it," Jared whispered and Jensen moaned, moving faster. Jared kept his hands on the mattress, fisted into the sheets. He couldn't touch Jensen's skin without losing control. If he touched a little, he'd want to touch all of Jensen and he didn't think Jen would allow that yet. 

"Jared," he warned as Jared twisted his head to the side, rubbing his tongue hard against Jensen. He took Jensen as deep as he could and hummed, letting Jensen's come fill his mouth as he swallowed.

"Oh god," Jensen mumbled and Jared laughed at him. He climbed back up and Jensen wrapped his arms around him, mouth going immediately to Jared's piercing. "What do you want?" he asked and fuck if Jared didn't want to tell him the truth.

He must have felt Jared still. Jensen stopped licking and tilted his head to see Jared's face. "What?"

"Nothing," Jared said and Jensen frowned, then rolled them over to climb onto Jared's lap, resting on Jared's hard cock.

"That's not nothing. Tell me."

"I want inside of you," Jared mumbled and felt Jensen tense above him. Shit. "I'm not asking, Jen. I'm just telling you the truth."

Jensen remained quiet for a long time, sitting on Jared's pelvis. His fingers tugged at Jared's nipples absentmindedly. "You'll think I'm a freak."

Jared snorted and shook his head. "Half my body is covered with tattoos and I have my nipples pierced, Jensen. I'm not going to think you're a freak."

"Everyone always does," he whispered.

"Jensen," Jared reached up to caress his jaw, "you were scared of me when we first met. You took one look at my clothes and tattoos and probably thought I was a convict. But you're not scared anymore."

"I was an idiot to think that, you know. I shouldn't have assumed that 'cause of the tats."

"And you're being an idiot now to think I'll run due to a few scars. I don't want to be anywhere else, Jensen."

Jensen rolled off of Jared but didn't leave the bed. Jared followed him, wrapping his body around Jensen. "I thought you didn't see them."

"When I checked your bandage? I saw them. I assume there are more?"

"A lot more. I'm not crazy, Jared. I don't need help for it."

"So you did it yourself?" Jared asked and when Jensen didn't answer, he said, "I started getting tattoos when I was fourteen. My brother took me the first time and my parents were furious. But I wanted to commemorate something and it was important to me so I did it. I've never stopped getting tattoos."

"What did you want to remember?"

"I wanted to become an oceanographer. So I got a compass on my hand. My brother was a deep-sea diver. I wanted to work with him. So what is yours?"

"The day I found out who my real parents were. They died when I was three and I was raised by my mom's sister. I hated her. Then one day she told me she was so glad she wasn't my real mom and I wanted to remember that feeling forever."

"Where is it?" Jared asked and Jensen touched his left thigh. "How long did you stay with them?"

"Another couple years then CSB took me away and I was sent to foster home after foster home. I never really got to keep anything, you know? All I had was my memories and my body. So my body became my memories." Jensen turned around and touched the compass on Jared's hand. "It's not that different, you know."

"I want to make love to you," Jared blurted out and Jensen just raised an eyebrow at him. He'd always thought that phrase was tacky but the way Jared said it… Jensen almost believed him.

"Are you for real?" he asked and Jared grinned at him.

"I can prove it, you know."

"How?" then gasped as Jared grabbed him and flipped him onto the bed, straddling him. 

"Let me show you, Jen." Still he hesitated. He didn't want to lose this but at some point Jared would get frustrated and leave, or frustrated that Jensen didn't trust him. He didn't know what to say.

"I can turn the lights off. Hell, I'll get on my back and you can ride me. I won't touch you."

"No," Jensen said even though the image was hot. "Can you turn the light down though?"

Jared rolled off the bed and turned on a lamp in the corner. The room was cast mostly in shadows. Jensen took a deep breath and pulled off his shirt. Jared reached for him but stopped. "Can I touch you?"

"Not yet," Jensen whispered. He wanted to feel Jared first, to know Jared inside him at least once. Just in case. 

"You going to stretch yourself for me then?" Jared asked and Jensen swallowed and nodded. 

"Okay." He felt awkward and dumb but every time his arm flexed and his fingers went deeper, Jared would gasp and squeeze the base of his cock. 

"Okay," Jensen said, falling to his back, legs spread wide, handing Jared a condom.

Jared knelt above him, rubbing the head of his cock against Jensen and slowly pushed inside. He kept his hands mostly off Jensen's naked body and Jensen pushed his hips up to make the entrance easier. It hurt but he breathed deeper and forced himself to relax and accept it and then Jared was inside him.

"Oh my god, Jen. You feel…" Jared's voice trailed into silence and he took a deep breath.

"Yeah, you too," Jensen said as he adjusted. He squeezed and Jared laughed at him. 

"Can I?"

"Please," Jensen said as Jared started moving. He reached up and touched Jared's chest, tugging on the piercings. There was so much he wanted. Jared's arm brushed against Jensen's and he didn't flinch. Jared's thighs were pressed against his own and he had to feel the scars. 

They moved together, Jared whispering things constantly that Jensen didn't really listen to. He heard the tone of voice, the awe and gentleness that belied Jared's strength and clung to that. Maybe, just maybe…

Jared came with a loud groan and barely managed to hold himself above Jensen. Grinning, Jensen pulled Jared to him, pressed chest to chest, and wrapped his arms around Jared. They kissed and Jared slowly moved his arms, holding Jensen tight to him. 

"Going to get cleaned up," Jared said between kisses. "Get dressed if you want, okay?"

But Jensen didn't move. He remained naked in the bed even after Jared returned. He pulled the sheets aside for Jared to get in bed with him. It was terrifying. And exhilarating. 

Jared kissed him once more and whispered, "I'm staying, right?"

"If you want."

"Oh, I want. I want to wake up with you in my arms, Jen. Then maybe, have sex with you again."

"So it's back to sex, is it?" Jensen teased and there was no fear in his words at all.

"Planning on making love to you for a long time, Jensen. You'll be sick of me a couple years." He pulled Jensen against him and rested his hand on Jensen's back. "Go to sleep, luv."

Jensen did.


End file.
